Yes, we've known for a little while that God has been calling us to serve abroad. A calling though isn't so much about where you go... it's about who you are. I've known for a while that the Lord personally has called me to minister to children. When I was younger I volunteered in Children's Church, was babysitting almost always, and volunteered to help with Kids Crusade (VBS)and pretty much any other place that children where at. Being around children and loving on them is just part of who I am. If you knew me at all growing up you will know that I LOVE children. Now working with youth that is a completely different story. A big shocker I am sure to even hear that from me. Considering we were Youth Pastors for how many years? Did I work along side Brandon and learn to love youth, yes. Did I coordinate events and have teens hanging out at our home a lot, sure. I knew that this was part of Brandon's gift and part of who He is. He loves mentoring. He loves teaching teens and he is great with them. For me, honestly one of my biggest fears was Lord are you calling us in another direction to work with youth, again? (Yes, yes He is.) Though I love them I don't feel like working with them has always been a passion. Give me a bunch of little ones and that's exactly where my passion is. Though recently I have surrendered all of my passions to Him. After all this is not about me. Sometimes He calls us to do the exact thing we feel most unqualified to. He wants the Glory all for himself. He often works in and through us when we are at our weakest. Since I have done that it's really quite amazing the Lord has been putting a desire in my heart to work with youth again. I am willing to be used however He see's fit. After all He does write the very best stories. Who am I to tell him.
Just because this is the direction the Lord is telling us to go (Zambia) does not mean that we are any less "normal" in our feelings and emotions. I don't ever want to portray a picture that just isn't real. It is a constant battle to deny our self to follow Him. It is very un natural to want to leave your whole family to go and follow what the Lord tells you to do (no matter where that is). We are constantly reminded to plan for the future. Everything is about saving up for your children's college funds. Paying off your home so you can enjoy retirement. Having a 401k to help cover retirement. Being financially secure and having a plan for the future. I am by no means saying that these things are bad. Not at all. Selling our home and selling everything we have and not knowing what's next. Well knowing what's next but not knowing what will happen after that. Knowing we are going for a two year term initially, but then not knowing for sure exactly what will happen after those two years. We may have the opportunity to change our status from short-term to long-term missionaries after those two years. We are just not sure at this point what exactly the Lord will ask of us. We may not know right now. We just have to keep taking each step and trusting that He is going to direct the next step after this one. For us we feel like he's asking us to trust Him with those steps. To follow Him to Zambia for us personally means selling our home, letting go of earthly possessions and letting Him lead us. This may look "radical" but when He died on the cross for us that was pretty radical. He gave His life for us and we are called to do the same for others. There are so many "ways" to live radically. You don't have to cross the ocean to do that. This whole process is forcing me
to trust him in a completely different way than we have ever done before.
Another thing I have been struggling with is fear of it not happening. For whatever reason my biggest struggle is trusting that He will provide. I know when He calls that He provides. He has always been faithful in the past, always. It is really uncomfortable for me to ask for help. Really hard for me to reach out and ask people to come along side us and support what the Lord is doing. It's really not about us.. it's about Him though. We've always been able to depend on Brandon's job and have even when he wasn't making a substantial income we've been able to be "thrifty" and make it work. The whole point is that even though Brandon's job looks like it is provision... really God alone is our provider. Right now He is using this job to provide. In the future He will be our provision. Using the body of Christ to provide. It's a whole new concept to us. A whole other level of trusting. We may not be able to do this. He is more than able to though. As I've been continuing to seek Him I feel a peace and He keeps whispering, "let go and let me." He's got this. We don't have to be enough. He is enough.
So though our life maybe doesn't look typical right now. Who really has a "typical" life anyways? God has a plan for every one of us. He has a beautiful story He is writing. We are all part of that beautiful picture He is painting. No story is greater than the other or is more special. He is using each person to fulfill the purposes He has. Praying that as we share this small struggle that I really hate to classify as even that, in some way it will lead you to Jesus. So today no matter what your facing, no matter the challenges you see ahead, remember He is your provider. Not your job, not your bank account, not your boss... though He may use those things.. it is He alone that sustains you. "Let go and let Him." After all He is the Great I am. What is too hard for Him?
Isaiah 46:4 -
I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
