A Mother to Another Mother's Child

 　

Even as a young child, I dreamed of being a mother. You know, the kind of mother that is "perfect." That has an endless reserve of patience. Whose children always listen. Who never tell her, "no."   For some, the aspiration of having children fades with time or experience. However, after years of caring for other peoples children, this desire was only reaffirmed and I knew that children were an integral part of my ‘calling’ and purpose in life.

I became a bride at 18 and after only nine months of marriage my husband and I decided it was time to start a family. At the age of 19 I became a mother.

Our first child was an adorable little boy who graciously introduced me to joy that is motherhood: the crazy days, the sleepless nights and the almost mechanical routine of changing diapers. We added two little girls shortly thereafter and they multiplied the joy in my life and the love in my heart; and the diapers I had the joy of changing. Over the course of that time, my husband and I had been praying and felt called to bring another child into our home though this time through a different avenue. A child who needed love, a sense of security and stability.

Shortly after completing required coursework and becoming licensed to foster to adopt, we found out that we were expecting our fourth child. Nine months later she was born and over the course of the next year we enjoyed her so much. But were we still willing: Yes. Were we still called: Yes. We were supposed to adopt. I could do that. But to love and let go? I wasn't so sure I was capable of opening my heart knowing it could be broken so easily. How do you prepare to say hello knowing that inevitably there could be a goodbye? I wasn't sure how anyone could prepare for that.

Was I crazy to feel this calling to bring another child into our home? A child with a broken past and a hurting heart. Who may have: emotional scars, come from a place of being severely abused or neglected, be withdrawing from drugs, have trust issues, attachment disorders, and wounds so deep. Was I prepared? Even after hours of training and reading. Yet, inside knowing that living the hands on is so much different. Living the day in and day out the joys and the really hard parts. Though the peace I had was overwhelming. I knew that His grace was really enough.

The time had finally arrived and we welcomed our very first placement. Little fingers. Little toes. Yes, he captured my heart. I never knew I could love so deeply a little one who didn't grow under my heart but in it. The first glance. The first feeding. The first song that I sang. Yes, a joy and a love so deep as I did my own. It broke my heart watching his little body go through things a little body should never have to go through. The time came to let go; my heart broke. Could I open my heart again?

Not long after we welcomed two little ones into our home. Broken pasts. Hurting hearts that only God could heal. Days full and long nights: advocating, being their voice, building trust and loving them so deeply. I taught them how to pray. I taught them about the one Who promises to never leave or forsake them and will never fail them even when people do. They taught me what the true depth of His love for us is like; complete, unconditional, unfailing, and persistant, love. Things I thought I completely understood but really found I never did grasp completely. They taught me about living in the here and now. That tomorrow may come but living for today is what matters. They taught me so much. They came and they left. Lord, I don't understand your plan? Could I ever open my heart again?

The answer is yes, as much as it hurts and as much as I cry. He is my comfort. He is my strong tower. He is my strength when I feel I can't possibly do it again. My heart breaks. He heals my heart. He gave it all for me, And I willingly lay down my heart, my desires, and my heartbreak to be used to fulfill His plan. Yes. I will continue to do it again and again and again.

The stages of grief are hard. It hurts. I felt like I’ve lost some of my children and in reality, I have. My family has grieved as well; little ones they have loved. I feel honored to have a family that loves these little ones as if they were our own. Who welcomes them with open arms. I am also so proud of my children as they grow. Yes they have experienced love and loss but more than anything they have learned Christ's love. That not every child is treated and cherished the way they should be. Incredibly, they've learned what being Jesus' hands and feet looks like in a very tangible way.

I have now come to the realization that being a mother was never really about being perfect or never making mistakes or raising children to be perfect. It's about showing them His Grace and how to love others and be compassionate people who want to be the change they want to see in the world as Gandhi put it .

God has a plan it isn't always what we want or what we think we want. It's really not about us to begin with. It's about Him and His children; the ones that He entrusts to us to love. It's about a child who in their little life has not known just how much they are treasured. It's about showing them it is possible to trust again. It's about showing them His love. Showing them just how worthy they are of that love and being vehicles for the demonstration of that love.

For any of our children they are only given to us on loan; they are really His.

For these children we may only hold them for a little while in our arms but will hold them forever in our hearts. I will forever be their praying mama.

People say often, " I could never do this, my heart would just break." So I say this from all of my beloved friends that are Mothers to Another Mothers Child, " Our hearts break too. We just know the one who can heal hearts." He is the one who restores and redeems lives. He laid His life down for us and we are called to do the same for others.

So most of all as we celebrate this Mother’s Day I want to encourage you. If you feel your heart being tugged to be a Mother to Another Mother’s Child. Take the first step. Do something. I promise you the little or big ones who are sent to you will impact your life more than you can ever hope to impact theirs.