You may not have my eyes or smile but from that very first moment you had my heart
With every child that is in our home whether for only two short weeks or two months or two years. Each one has a piece of our hearts. Every child (three total now) have made a lasting impression on our lives. Each one has taught us something about life and about cherishing every moment that you have with someone. See with your own children you never really think about them being gone unless something hits you from someone else's life experience. Unless you've lost a child. Days can be rough and you get tired and it can be exhausting at times. When you become a foster mom and you realize that every day you have to cherish because you don't know when that child will go home or if you will ever see him/her again, it really makes you think. It really makes you look at your own children and think to cherish every moment even in the little mundane moments. No one is promised tomorrow.
Dear sweet baby M,
From the moment I saw your tiny little body laying in the hospital crib I fell in love. I've never experienced love so deeply from a child that didn't come from my flesh, but you sweet boy changed it all. I went there expecting to pick up a chunky little three week old baby and you were only five pounds (smaller than any of my babies were at three weeks). It was a completely different feeling getting you ready to come home. It was SO nice not to have to go through all of the after pains of birth (yet in a way I felt like I did.. after over two years of waiting for this) yet bring home a new little person. As I sat there in the rocker as the nurses updated me and I later spoke with your doctor about how you were doing I got the privelege of feeding you a bottle. You were so tiny. So precious. So new. You smelled so sweet of newborn scent and I loved cuddling and snuggling your sweet warm little body. Then it was time to pack up all of your things from your three week stay at the hospital and bring you home. I didn't even think to go buy an outfit to bring you home in. So I dressed you in stained up pajamas that were left there. Got you all wrapped up in a few hospital blankets and waited to be discharged. The nurses were all amazing. I could tell they were sad to see you go. One of the nurses walked me down with you and your things to put you in the car. I buckled your seat in the van, got in and prayed. I just kept thinking, " I can't believe I just walked in the hospital and picked up a newborn baby, and am now bringing him home." It was that morning that I had gotten the call, prayed, and called then to tell our agency were interested in you being placed with us. We came home and I called one of the best mentors and friends I could have asked for. She came over shortly after we got home. ____ Snuggled sweet M and brought us some things to welcome him. When I think of that night... it was pure bliss. Every two hours that you woke to eat was pure bliss. It was two weeks of sleepless nights but how could I not love waking up to snuggle your sweet little body. Sometimes I wish I could go back and re- enjoy those moments, cherish them more. There were a lot of things that happened between then and you going home. I have never advocated more for a child in my life. It was hard watching you go... handing you over and knowing that you may not be safe. That there could be things that happen in your future that I have no way or power to protect you in. When I picked you up I knew that it was only a foster placement as that is what we finally decided to do. It just made it all the more difficult knowing the situation you were going home to. I prayed over you and let go. Trusting that the Lord loves you way more than we do and that He will watch over your life. I was never your "mommy" but I will always be your praying mommy.
The first two weeks of you being gone was the hardest. I have never felt my heart get ripped out of my chest and get stomped on quite like that. I never though I could get SO attatched to a baby that I didn't give birth to. I was so wrong in that. Even though I knew adoption is something I have always had on my heart, I didn't physically know it was possible to love so deeply, someone that was not part of my flesh. Giving you back I felt like I had lost a baby that was mine. I didn't wash some of the clothes that I used for you right away (that Joe wore when he was little)... I would go back and smell them with tears falling so quickly off my face. As selfish as it may sound I even kept the blanket from the hospital that they let me bring you home in. Something to remember you by. I still get it out and it smells like the hospital slowly the scent is almsot gone. I remember the first week you were gone literally every time I knew it was time for you to eat, I would pray. I couldn't get you off my mind. I wondered if you were being fed. If you were being taken care of properly. I missed you so much and thought about you non stop.
It did get easier after a little while. Still thinking about you brings tears to my eyes.I realized that I could love and let go. It hurts it's painful but in the end with the Lords help I can get through anything. You deserved all the love in the world. We pray for you daily sweet boy. There isn't a day goes by that you aren't mentioned in our prayers. We love you and are so blessed that God would allow us to take care of you. I will be forever grateful to Him for letting us have you, even if just for a short while. You are sooooo missed sweet boy. We love you so much.
Love you so much sweet M,
Love your praying Mommy
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